Margo Maine, Ph.D., is the program director of the Eating Disorders Service at Newington Children's Hospital in Newington, Connecticut. She is a board member of Eating Disorders Awareness Prevention and the author of the recently released Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, and Food.

What is father hunger and what does it have to do with eating disorders? I hope to answer these questions so you will understand the critical role fathers have in the development of their daughters, particularly the impact on self-esteem, body image and self-confidence. Until now, we have ignored these issues, but father hunger is one of the problems leading to eating disorders and one that we can begin to address and change.

Father hunger is a deep persistent desire for emotional connection with the father experienced by all children. When this normal craving is satisfied, children are likely to grow up feeling confident, secure, strong and "good enough." Often, however, this yearning is not acknowledged and the need for a bond with father grows. In females, it often becomes converted into conflicts with food, weight and body image. The emptiness experienced by young women whose fathers were emotionally absent, creates a void that may lead to yo-yo dieting, compulsive overeating, fears of food, excess exercise and disordered nutritional intake.

As a clinician specializing in the treatment of eating disorders, I see father hunger every day. Ironically, I learned about father hunger from my patients -- I had not experienced it growing up. My father was an unusually involved, available and nurturing man. I never doubted his love or respect. Yet, when I began treating young women with eating disorders, I consistently heard of pain and disappointment when they talked about their fathers. As a new therapist, I was still steeped in theory, which minimized the role of the father, so I ignored it too. One day, that changed. I was sitting with a new patient, Barbara, listening to her feelings about her family and how important her dad was to her, but how unsure she was of his love and how to please him. I realized I had been paying more attention to relationships with her mother than to her real pain, which was about her father. I had been sifting her words through the theoretical framework I had been given. Because my relationship with my father had been so different and my father hunger had been satisfied, I did not easily understand the pain Barbara and other young women were describing. Once I learned to tune into patients' real feelings about their fathers, I heard pain, suffering, emptiness, isolation and inadequacy.

As I continued to work with Barbara and her family, I saw a man who wanted to be more a part of his daughter's life, but his way of helping was to buy her something. He thought Barbara's emotional needs could only be met by her mother. Over time, Barbara and her dad found a way to have an affirming, open relationship so that she no longer doubted his love and she could approach the adult world feeling confident and able to relate to men. Barbara's story shows how our social roles and myths promote father hunger, therefore we have to begin to question our assumptions about men's roles in families. We can start by looking at the myths we have about fathers, daughters, and problems with food:

Myth #1: Eating disorders and body image problems are women's issues.

Eating problems are not just women's issues. Men often experience problems with food and their bodies as well. Furthermore, eating problems often result from a women's discomfort in relationships with men and an uncertainty about what is masculine, what is feminine and how they can please men and succeed in the male-dominated world outside of the family. Therefore, eating disorders always involve a relationship with the male world.

Myth #2: Men can't understand.

Men and women experience their bodies very differently. Men are encouraged to accept their bodies, to use them and to gain power through them. Women are taught to please others through their appearance, to criticize and to change their bodies constantly and to look good no matter what the cost. Men can and will understand these differences if given information and the opportunity to do so.

Myth #3: Eating disorders are caused by problems in the mother/ daughter relationship.

Because mothers are the feeders in every society, they are particularly seen as the villains in eating disorders. In actuality, eating disorders are the final common pathway for a myriad of issues. Simple explanations like bad-mothering-results-in-eating-problems are appealing, but misleading.

Myth #4: Distant, uninvolved fathers cause eating disorders.

Again, it is not so simple. Father is not a villain. He is a victim of limiting myths, family structures and social patterns that keep him outside of the family and limit his understanding of his daughter.

Myth #5: Fathers play an inconsequential role in the development of their children.

Again, here is a simple but totally erroneous concept. A father's presence or absence is never inconsequential. Take some time to think about your life, the kind of person you have become, what hurts you, what you value, how you deal with feelings and how you believe men should deal with feelings. Consider how these factors have influenced your life and you will realize that your dad was far from inconsequential!

Myth #6: Father's role is to provide economically.

In the past 200 years, we have developed split roles -- men doing the economic work for the family and women doing the emotional work. This does not work any longer, but we still try to fit men into the old myths. Fathers have much more importance than just "bringing home the bacon."

Myth #7: Parenting isn't important to men.

In fact, becoming a father is one of the most profound experiences for most men, but because of their own father hunger, they do not know how to meet their children's needs. We have to support men more so they will be comfortable expressing their love and parenting their children.

Myth #8: Fathers don't feel.

Father's displace, deny and separate from feelings because they have been raised to do so. When men confront a crisis like having a daughter with an eating disorder, we often see how much they truly feel. This creates an opportunity for them to change, if we help them to access these feelings and talk about them.

Myth #9: Girls learn about femininity from mothers.

Traditionally, we have stressed the importance of identifying with the same-sex parent during adolescence. Again, this is oversimplified. Girls learn about femininity by watching dad interact with women. How he treats women, especially her mother, colors a girl's feelings about being a woman and about what kind of woman to be.

Myth #10: Girls need their mothers not their fathers during adolescence.

This is particularly misleading. Fathers play a very special role by helping girls move from childhood toward adulthood. Often, however, fathers are uncomfortable with their daughters' physical maturity and emotional intimacy. They may also be unable to find common interests with them and become more distant. In response, a daughter may believe that her body caused dad's discomfort. Some will try to reverse the process by becoming anorexic, trying to be "daddy's little girl" once more. Some try to become more attractive or more masculine to get dad's attention or approval. Some may starve while others eat uncontrollably to escape their feelings of disappointment, and still others may engage in self-destructive behaviors to change their bodies. Clearly, adolescent females need positive experiences with men as they approach adulthood to avoid the self-doubt and sadness that leads to these behaviors.

These myths have created severe limitations in our understanding of eating disorders and the critical role father hunger plays. Nothing can compensate for feeling unloved or rejected by the most important man in your life. The words, "I never felt good enough for him" are frequent refrains when young women with eating disorders speak about their fathers. Developing an eating disorder is a way to deal with this disappointment. As one young woman said to me, "All I wanted was my father's love."

We can both prevent eating disorders and help people to recover if we begin to acknowledge the role father hunger has in these problems. Consider how father hunger has impacted you and find a way to break the cycle in your future relationships. As you look to the future, imagine what would happen if we could raise children in an environment with men and women sharing the responsibility and caretaking in the families. Imagine adolescent females feeling welcomed into the adult world and no longer having to prove their worth through their appearance or weight. Imagine fathers showing love and approval to their daughters. Imagine an end to father hunger and an end to eating disorders.

Father Hunger can be purchased through The Gurze Eating Disorders Bookshelf Catalogue, P.O. Box 2238, Carlsbad, CA 92008, (619) 434-7533/Fax (619)434-5476.